• Chelsea Pro

If I'm Not Bleeding : My Monthly Paranoia

Updated: May 11

Last night I had a very serious conversation with my uterus and the unborn fetus that I believed to be resting inside. It was about 4:30am and I was lying in bed trying to fell asleep when all I could think about was my screaming lower back pain.

Normally, such serious pain around my back and abdomen would be a clear warning my “lady” was on her way. But Auntie Flow hadn’t given me any other warning signs; no bloating, boob pain or excessive acne.

Clearly this meant that the lower belly pain was a fetus implanting itself to the walls of my uterus. Did I mention I had sex once this month? Three weeks ago, and we used a condom, but still I must be pregnant!

Calmly I lay there, talking to my body letting it know that I am not ready to have a child and that there is no way my 23 year old, unemployed ass is ready to bring a mini me into this world! I spoke to this non-existent alien inside of me explaining that if it decided to turn into a human baby I would be forced to give it a different home.

This morning, like a Christmas morning in Hell, I got my period. The part that bothers me most about my monthly gift isn’t the fact that it feels like a small bomb is constantly exploding in my uterus; it isn’t that my “lady” has come every month since my 8th Grade Dance [and will come every month until I go through menopause]. The worst part isn’t that my emotions flip flop like a toddler on a seesaw. No, the one thing that drives me absolutely insane, is that as a sexually active [hetero] woman I get excited when I first see a crime scene in my pants. How fucked up is that?

All because I want to have sex, but I’m not ready to be a mother?

I get excited to know that for the next 7 days I will wear a silicone cup in my vagina to protect my valuable underwear. I look forward to knowing I will eat all of the salt and chocolate that crosses my path for the next week. I am thrilled to start a week of self-hate, pity and lack of confidence.

How is any of this fair? The only time you get a break from a monthly bleed is if you actually get pregnant; in which case, you have a lot more to worry about then remembering to change your tampon.

The best way to avoid pregnancy is to avoid sex: impossible.

The second best way to avoid pregnancy is birth control: not always reliable.

The third best way to avoid pregnancy is…is there a third best way?

Until I find a solution to avoiding pregnancy that actually works, this will be my monthly paranoia.


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